Three Basic Listening Models
There are three basic listening models, each of which reflect upon the various ways that the person who is doing the listening may be feeling. You may use all three of these listening models at one point or another, depending upon whom you are listening to, what the conversation is about, and even what type of mood you are in.
Here are the three basic listening models:
1. Competitive or combative listening: This is the type of listening that is done when people want to push their own type of view or opinion rather than listen to someone else's. With this type of listening, we mostly are waiting to jump in and say something or point out flaws in what the other person is saying. We pretend that we are listening, when really we are formulating our own ideas and just waiting for the person to break so we can blurt them out. The downside is that we fail to actually take in what the other person is saying and have closed our minds, which is a barrier to good listening.
2. Passive, attentive listening: In this type of listening, we are genuinely interested in what the person is saying. At this point, we are not yet at the point of responding and being involved, but we understand the points that the speaker is trying to make. We may agree with what is being said, but we are doing so in a passive manner, rather than in a reflective one.
3. Active, reflective listening: This is the type of listening model that you want to use. In this model, you actively listen and understand what the other person is saying. Here, we listen to what the other person has to say before we try to interject what we would like to share. In this model, you restate or share back information with the speaker, showing that you are paying attention and actively involved.
Helpful Tools
If you are like many people, you have a difficult time remembering the names of people you are introduced to. In order to help combat that problem, there are many suggested routes and different tools that work for some people. You can try to picture the person's name written on his or her forehead, imagine yourself writing the name, repeating it several times upon meeting the person, or trying to match something recognizable about the person's face to the name. See what method works for you!
Where We Want to Be
After looking at all three of the basic models of listening, you can see that the active or reflective one is the ideal situation. There are particular situations that impact your level of communication and interaction, including your situation, the facts, feelings, emotions, and your thoughts and beliefs.
When it comes to responding and reflecting back what you are hearing, you want to paraphrase rather than simply restate everything that has been said. Paraphrasing is when you sum up what the person has said, but you are not saying it verbatim. Instead, you are putting it into your own words.
If you would like to respond but are not sure what to say, you could make an account of the facts that have been said, say something about the thoughts or beliefs involved, or even about the expectations that the speaker is seeking.
When you find yourself in a situation where you are confused or unsure of what is being said, do not be afraid to let the speaker know that. Possibly you can ask the person to say it in another way or offer an example to provide you further clarification.
Feedback Examples
In active listening, which is modeling good listening skills, you will want to provide feedback to the person speaking. By doing so, you are letting that person know you are paying attention and are interested in what she or he is saying. Here is what a short dialogue may look like when someone is actively listening and providing feedback:
Lisa: I need to find a new job; this one just isn't working anymore.
John: You don't like your job?
Lisa: No, there are just too many things that have changed.
John: So the changes are making you feel uncomfortable?
As you see, John is providing feedback, so that Lisa knows he is actively listening. Providing feedback does not mean you have to be prepared to provide advice or present any facts. You may not have anything to add to what the person is saying, such as in the conversation between Lisa and John. Just providing that feedback, however, goes a long way in showing that you care about what the person is saying.
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