Disagreements and Conflicts

Conflict Resolution

Despite your best intentions, healthy conflict and conflict avoidance will sometimes lead to actual out-and-out disputes. When this occurs, you need to begin the process of conflict resolution.

Step One – Detachment

Most conflicts that are in need of resolution are those that bring emotions into play. Therefore, the first step you should take is to diffuse the emotions involved. Though you cannot be responsible for the emotions of everyone in the room, you can control your own and the way you react to others. Try to detach your emotions from the situation and avoid forcing other people's emotions to rise any more than they already are.

(Note: In this instance, emotions are not the same as feelings. When you are in a personal conflict, feelings are a valid argument. For example, feeling uncomfortable when a co-worker calls you by a certain nickname is acceptable; displaying anger over the name is not. Although it can be incredibly difficult, you have to learn how to involve your feelings without getting emotional about them.)

Step Two – Focus on the Present

Nothing is more common during a disagreement than the airing of grievances. Spouses and individuals in relationships are notorious for this – they bring up past issues that have little or no bearing on what the disagreement is actually about. Avoid this common pitfall by focusing on the issue right in front of you. No matter how hurt you may have been in the past, the only conflict you can actually do anything about is the present one.

Step Three – Keep Your Voice Level

Shouting over a conversation to make yourself heard is not going to resolve any conflicts: it's only going to make the other person shout in return. If you maintain a calm speaking voice, you are more likely to get calm reactions and be able to actually discuss the issue at hand.

Step Four – Focus on Facts

During a disagreement, it's easy to fall back on generalizations as a way to point fingers. "You always" and "You never" are two of the most common villains. These kinds of accusations are almost always inaccurate, and saying them only serves to hurt feelings (rather than foster results). Stick to what you know is true.

Step Five – Own Your Faults

Conflicts are a two-way street; you are all responsible for at least one portion of the disagreement. Taking responsibility for your actions will help you to reach a conclusion faster, even if it means you have to swallow a little pride to do it.

Step Six – Know When to Walk Away

Conflicts occasionally escalate to the point where a resolution simply isn't possible at the present time. Taking a "cooling off" period – whether that means 15 minutes or several days – can help all parties in the disagreement have time to reflect and remove their emotions from the issue.

Step Seven – Know When to Come Back

No major disagreement should simply be swept under the rug. An issue you don't address now can build up resentment and escalate into something much worse later on. As unpleasant as conflict may be, it is sometimes necessary to get communication and your relationship back on track.