Cultivating Conversational Skills

Active Listening

One method for helping to ensure effective communication is to engage in what is known as "active listening." This is a way of interacting with others in which you make a point to comprehend what is being said. In many conversations, participants are merely waiting for the other person to finish talking so that they can speak next. With active listening, you truly focus on the speaker's words and even take it further to be sure you understand.

The first step in active listening is to attempt to suspend judgment long enough to really understand what is being said to you. Oftentimes our communication is hindered by "confirmation bias." This bias causes us to hear the parts of a conversation that confirm our own beliefs and values while discounting or ignoring other aspects.

For example, if you expect the speaker to be hostile with you, you are more likely to feel that he or she is being negative – even when the speaker may actually be trying to find some middle ground. In order to get the full effect, you may need to watch a person's body language, in addition to hearing the words that are being said. It is also important to try and be observant about the emotions that the speaker may be feeling.

Once the speaker has reached the end of his or her bit of dialog, it is your turn to speak. Notice that you do not interrupt the other person during active listening, as that is going to disturb the flow of information. Now that the speaker has paused, active listening dictates that you paraphrase what has just been said to you. Basically, this means that you repeat what has been said, only you do so in your own words. This gives the speaker the opportunity to let you know if you have correctly understood him or her.

Because you have paid attention to body language and emotions, you may be able to use those cues to help interpret what is being said. When paraphrasing, you may also include statements like "you seem to feel frustrated" or "you appear to be quite excited about that." These statements are not facts, rather they give you a way to express what you understand, and the other person can agree or disagree.

Remember that just because you are repeating someone's opinions back to them, it does not mean you have to agree. You are simply making sure that you understand the ideas the speaker is trying to share. Your first impulse in a situation where you disagree may be to contradict the speaker, but utilizing active listening often allow you to diffuse a situation before it gets out of control. When the speaker realizes that you are attempting to understand what is being said rather than simply contradicting it, he or she may be more inclined to cooperate with you.

Active listening is a conversational skill that can vastly improve the effectiveness of communication between two people, or even within a group. It is especially useful in situations where there is conflict or where someone is trying to learn a new skill. Active listening must be used carefully, though, because it can be seen as condescending. Be careful not to patronize the speaker and to avoid repeating back everything that is said whether it needs to be or not.